Comedic Audition Monologues for Teens Read online

Clint Snyder

  Copyright © 2012 by Clint Snyder

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  La Cucaracha

  Heidi

  Explains to her Spanish Teacher about her pagent this past weekend.

  If I ever see that ratty head judge again I will scream at the top of my lungs and then pa-romptly knock those dumb ol’ glasses off her face. I shouldn’t have lost the contest because there was no contest. I did my beauty perfect. The song I picked was La Cucaracha, like I learned in our Spanish class. My ma is always telling me, “Teach those judges baby!” So I did. I wanted to teach them that la cucaracha means cockroach in Spanish, so I dressed up like a cockroach and shook some maracas like this. (She demonstrates.) And I did the face like cockroach makes like this. (She demonstrates.) My Ma says that cockroaches aren’t very good for the beauty competition, but she also says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, I’ll tell you, I saw a cockroach once with this eye right here and I beheld it, so it’s beautiful. My baton twirling was really good too. I set them on fire cause you got to stand out in the talent part they only had to call the firemen twice, but I actually think the firemen liked to be there. They were looking at me with big crazy eyes because they know I’m beautiful. Then I wrapped everything up with my evening wear. I wore my pink spotted footie pajamas because I always wear my pajamas in the evening and let me tell you, I worked it. That’s why I was so confused when I saw that I was disqualified on my ballot, but my ma told me that it must just be because I scored so high that I didn’t even give those other girls a shot. I guess I’m just gunna have to find a harder competition next time cause I at least want to give the other girl’s a chance.

  Sloth Puzzles

  Riley

  Talks to an agent about a recent experience in New York.

  So for my birthday this year my parents took me to New York City. See, it has always been my dream to have my own reality TV show. The idea for my show is that the cameras will follow me around for several hours while I do puzzles of really cute animals like a panda bear or sloths. I was gunna do that, or just have one of those really trashy television shows that always ends in a girl crying over a toilet cutting her hair and throwing up. That would be nice. When we got there though, it was a lot different than I thought it would be. My parents took me to the t.v. studio and I explained my idea to the secretary, but she just laughed at me. I thought she was laughing because she liked the idea, but then when I kept explaining that the second episode would focus on me doing a koala puzzle, she laughed harder and called over the security man. He was not very nice, I can tell you that right now. He shocked me with a taser and the next thing I knew I was outside the studio with my family. I wanted a pair of movie star sunglasses to help get over the trauma, but we couldn’t find the store. We found a homeless man named “Bulldog” and he told us that he would show us the way to the sunglasses store, but instead he just stole my dad’s wallet. We ended up having to sell our car to the mafia for plane tickets to get home because we had no money, but I don’t actually regret the trip. My new plan is to use my mafia connections to get my own mafia reality show. Think I’ve got a shot?

  Good Deeds

  Taylor

  Talking to a school newspaper reporter about community service.

  Oh, I’ve definitely noticed a rise in the population of ugly people at my school. Ugliness has become a national pandemic and I have taken it upon myself to do anything in my power that I can to stop it and help the less fortunate. Every decade has a different problem. For the 2000’s it was cancer. For the 90’s they had a bunch of weird diseases. For the 80’s they had a bunch of bad hair problems. For the 70’s they had all those stupid flower thingys. So, in order to helpo out the poor ugly souls of the world I started a consultation service. I walk around the lunchroom and shout at people how they are hideously ugly. I figure that the first step to fixing the problem is being aware of it and most people don’t even seem to know it… isn’t that sad? (She fakes tears.) Wa! Wa! Wa! Those looked real right? I want to have tears in my eyes when I accept whatever award they give me for being so generous. (Shouting at random people she notices.) He Jenny! Your nose looks like a rhino smashed up against a window! Doreen! Change your shirt! Muffin tops are not just a breakfast food! (Returning to normal.) Whew! All this community service is wearing me out. Do you want to seewhat my angel wings are going to look like in heaven? I’ve been practicing my flapping all morning. Watch. (She starts flapping her arms.) Flap, Flap, Flap, Flap. Oh, and I just thought I should let you know your unibrow looks like a hairy caterpillar across your face. Don’t worry. You don’t need to thank me. Less ugly people in the world is thanks enough. Well, I’m going to take a nap. You know, beauty sleep. I wouldn’t want to look like, well, you.

  Hostages

  Morgan

  Talking to parents about a day at the museum.

  I’m never going back to the museum again, I can tell you that right now, partly because I’m not allowed to go back. The guard said that after he took my handcuffs off. He also told me that he only used handcuffs because I stepped on his foot and spit in his face and insulted his mother, but I don’t feel bad at all because I had every right to do those things. They shouldn’t be allowed to have dead people locked up in their stupid glass things. I had never thought about it before, but when I was walking by the Egypt exhibit I saw a mummy. I didn’t realize it at first, but apparently a mummy is a dead person… this disturbs me. I told my chaperone that I thought that was wrong because my grandma was dead and she certainly would not like it if someone put her dead body in a glass box… You know what she told me? It’s good for science. I told her I don’t care if it’s good for science it is most certainly not good for my grandma and that was probably some one else’s grandma, but instead of helping me bust them out, the dumb chaperone just took me to another exhibit, which was even more disturbing. It was a human body exhibit that showed the inside of real dead people’s bodies in plastic, doing dumb things like shooting arrows and riding bicycles. The chaperone said it was neat because it showed the different muscle groups and that was when I really started freaking out. I shouted, “They’re keeping the bodies hostage! They’re keeping the bodies hostage!” I kicked open one of the cases and that’s when the guard grabbed me. That’s why I’m not allowed to go back in, but it’s just a prison for dead people, so who would want to go in a dumb place like that anyway?

  Pilgrim Possession

  Cameron

  Speaking to parents about new lifestyle.

  No one believes me, but I’m actually a pilgrim, or at least I was one in a past life. Or maybe it’s just a pilgrim ghost that is just haunting me, but either way I know that a pilgrim is in possession of my body. How do I know this? Number one, I really love turkey and ad as far as I can tell from television and thanksgiving, one hundred percent of the pilgrim diet consists of turkey. And also, the other day I was drinking a glass of orange juice and I made a noise like a gobble. Well, it wasn’t exactly a gobble, but I could tell it was like a gobble was trying to get out of my body. It was more like a g-blah, g-blah. See you have to do your mouth like this. G-blah! G-blah! Then I spit the orange juice everywhere... It’s a very angry ghost. Everyone knows that pilgrims made girl turkey noises to attract the boy turkeys so that they could shoot them and I sounded exactly like a girl turkey. Also, anytime I see something that someone else has and I want, I take it,
just like they took the Native Americans land like I learned in school. They also gave them blankets with smallpox and I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but one time I bought my sister a pillow and the next day she got the flu. Coincidence? I think not. Anyway, my point is that I’ve decided to fully embrace my new culture whole-heartedly and you’re just going to have to accept that. I bought a pair of buckle shoes and I think those hats they wore look kind of dumb, but I’m going to start wearing baseball caps. Excuse me while I go catch myself some lunch. G-blah! G-Blah!

  Ferrets

  Logan

  Talking to the pet store owner who just tried to sell him a ferret.

  If you told me that ferrets were the offspring of satan that really wouldn’t surprise me. They’ve got pointy little teeth like a demon and sometimes they just jump up at you like some sort of intensely evil jack-in-the box and then they clamp down like syringes. Little pointy syringes of death. I know firsthand, not death, I’m not a ghost, but my basic point is that they’re really sharp and they’re actually just pure evil in a furry package. And when…(Holding back tears.) When I was a little child. An innocent little child. I used to play games with animals, just like snow white did, except they didn’t clean my house. I used to kiss frogs and toads to see if they would turn into a handsome price like in that other fairy tale too. Well, my friend had a pet ferret that she brought out and in my infinite innocence I knelt down, like this, and I said “Hello there little friend, If I give you and nice big kiss I bet you’ll transform into a handsome prince. And I puckered up and kissed him, but he wasn’t my little friend and the only prince he transformed into was Satan the prince of darkness. He bit down on my lip like it was a worm. I didn’t know what to do, so I screamed, “Off! Off!” But he just held on. I started spinning in circles like this to get him of me and after a while he finally let go, flew off, hit the ceiling fan and was hurled out an open window outside. I was so dizzy and traumatized I just collapsed. My lip swelled up and made me talk funny for a month. The whole time my friend was just complaining that her ferret ran away. I just told her it probably crawled back to the underworld.

  Murderous Onions

  Sam

  Talking to lunch lady about why it is impossible to eat onion rings any more.

  I was making onion rings with my friend Linda because that’s her favorite food and we were chopping up the onions. Well, I got through my second onion and my eyes are starting to get all teary, but I look over at Linda who is still on her first onion and her eyes are very teary. She’s not just teary, but she’s sobbing loudly. So I said, “Wow, those onions are really getting to you, huh?” I had never seen anything like it before in my life, so I joked, “ What did an onion kill your father?” (Pause.) She said, “yes.” Then she screamed at me, “Yes! It was a terrible onion truck accident that killed five people.” See I had thought that onion rings were her favorite food, so I asked her about it and she said yes they were her favorite food. She ate them because they reminded her of her father. Well, at this point I really wasn’t sure what to say, so I said something really dumb, “ Well, look at it this way. If you always eat lots of onion rings then you’re probably really unhealthy and you’ll die quicker so you can be with him.” This set her off her rocker. She did not like that comment one bit and I know this because she started throwing onions at my head and chasing me out of the house. I got all the way to the middle of the street and I could still hear her screaming, “Onions! Onions murdered you daddy!” Well, I haven’t been able to eat an onion ring since then.

  Worms have feelings too

  Jordan

  Giving a class presentation on worms

  (Reads off cards very mechanically, it is obvious that the presentation is very over-rehearsed.)

  This is my presentation about my hobby as a worm farmer. And thank you all for coming to hear my speech today. (Pointing to a cup.) How many of you (points to audience.) know what is there in that cup today? If you guessed dirt you would be correct. It’s dirt. But I bet many of you did not know that for the life of a worm breeder such as myself, that this little cup of dirt is where the magic really starts to happen. Hold for applause. (Silence.)Worms come in many different species. Such as the Night Crawler, not to be confused with the x-men character of the same name. Ha! Hold for laughter. (Silence.)Being a worm farmer can sometimes be very rewarding because you can tie a colored piece of string on the worm and then you always know which one it is. Then you start to realize that worms have personalities too. You may be surprised to hear that some of my very best friends are worms. My favorite is Denise, she is very neat and never leaves any slimy goo behind her, but worm farming is not always as fun as it seems. It can also be very serious work. There are some people who would like to hurt the poor worms, or their image in the media. One of the worst offenders is the candy company that makes gummy worms. How would you like it if a gummy version of you were made and then eaten around the world. Hold for response. (Silence.) Chances are you would not like it very much at all. (Suddenly angry.) Every day worms are attacked. They are suffering. (Stops reading from card.) They are in pain and agony because people, gross smelly people, think it’s a fun idea to stick tiny little hooks in their backs and then drag them through the water while nasty giant fish chomp at their bodies. But that seems to be ok, seems to be acceptable by societies standards. Seems alright by everyone to shove a bunch of LIVING CREATURES into tiny blue containers until they’re ready to be slaughtered in a mass worm genocide. I mean how would you like it if you were dragged through the water on hooks? You wouldn’t. At least my ex didn’t. I met them a few years ago after I a boy pushed me down and kicked my face in. So I went home and cried and cried and cried. But my daddy he smiled to me and said one day I would find someone that loved me like my worms love me. He picked up a big ol’ bucket of worms and told me that person for me would be just like the juiciest worm in the bucket, I call that one Fido. When I met my ex they had a big tattoo of a worm that looked just like Fido. That’s how I knew. When I saw them kissing someone else that’s how I knew that they were cheating on me, but when I saw him fishing with one of my worms, that’s how I knew they were dead. And if I catch any of you doing that too, then you’ll be food for my wormies too, thank you.

  Check out these newly published plays below and more available on www.clintsnyderplays.com

  COMEDY. It’s the first day of school and rumor has it that the new teacher from Russia, Ms. Porschtov, is a real pushover. But when Ms. Porschtov arrives, the students quickly meet her assistant, Comrade Vladimir, a medieval club to “keep moron children from being moron.” Ms. Porschtov “rewards” the students with a game of Soviet Show and Tell and more in this hilarious comedy great for one act competitions.

  FARCE. Audiences will love this witty, modern sequel to the Mad Hatter’s tea party in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (1865). Like the infamous Alice, Allie follows the White Rabbit down a rabbit hole into Wonderland and encounters the Mad Hatter and March Hare at their never-ending 6 o’clock tea party with their only guest, the sleepy Dormouse.

  SPOOF. In this episode of “The Hope LoveJoy Show,” the phony, narcissistic, and self-promoting host, Miss Hope LoveJoy, interviews a series of guests who have all “benefitted” from “reading” her self-help book, The Ultra Hush-Hush Top-Secret Secret.